“Why Can’t I Just Focus?”: Understanding Adult ADHD Through a Compassionate Lens
If you’re an adult living with ADHD, you may be deeply familiar with the frustration of unmet potential. You know what you want to do—but getting started (or finishing) feels like climbing uphill in quicksand. You may blame yourself, wonder if you're lazy, or feel like you're always “too much” or “not enough.”
But what if ADHD isn’t just a disorder of attention?
What if it’s a story of survival—told by parts of you that are still trying to protect you?
The Wounds Beneath the Symptoms
In his book Scattered Minds, Dr. Gabor Maté offers a radically compassionate view of ADHD. He suggests that ADHD isn’t a fixed brain disorder, but rather a developmental response to early stress or disconnection.
In other words, the difficulties with attention, impulsivity, or emotional regulation may stem from early environments where a child felt overwhelmed, misunderstood, or emotionally unsafe. The nervous system adapted to survive—and those adaptations became the ADHD traits we see in adulthood.
Parts Work and the Internal System
Through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), we understand that our internal world is made up of parts—each with its own feelings, beliefs, and roles.
For adults with ADHD, these parts might sound familiar:
A task-avoiding part that distracts you right before something important
A hypercritical part that shames you for not doing more, faster, better
A fun-seeking part that chases stimulation to avoid boredom or pain
A shutdown part that retreats into numbness when things feel overwhelming
These parts aren't bad—they're protective. Many were formed in childhood to help you cope when you felt unseen, unsafe, or unsupported.
ADHD, then, is not just a list of symptoms to manage—it’s a system of inner protectors trying their best to keep you afloat.
Soothing the Nervous System, Not Just Fixing Behavior
From both Maté’s work and the IFS perspective, healing begins with curiosity and compassion toward these parts—not control or punishment.
When we stop asking, “How do I get rid of this part?” and start asking, “What is this part protecting me from?”—we shift from judgment to healing.
Often, the hypervigilant or distracted behaviors are responses to an underlying wound: a part of you that once felt unworthy, neglected, or emotionally alone.
Through therapy and inner work, we can help these parts trust that you are no longer that child—and that safety, connection, and regulation are now possible.
What Healing Might Look Like
Recognizing that your distractibility or impulsiveness isn’t a moral failure
Understanding how ADHD-related behaviors helped you cope in the past
Learning how to co-regulate your nervous system before expecting productivity
Meeting your inner critic with self-compassion, rather than shame
Developing realistic, trauma-informed strategies for structure and support
You Are Not Broken—You Are Brilliantly Adaptive
At Helping Hands Counseling, we believe that ADHD doesn’t define who you are. Your system makes sense. You are not lazy, scattered, or selfish—you’re someone whose inner world is beautifully complex and wired for survival.
Using parts work, trauma-informed care, and nervous system education, we help adults with ADHD explore their inner landscape and begin to build a relationship with themselves that’s rooted in safety, not shame.
Because healing isn’t about fixing you. It’s about understanding you—and giving each part of you the care it’s always needed.
